Welcome to the Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So, relax, have fun, and please God, don’t piss me off.
Moe: Well, uh, your thanks makes it all worth it.
McBain: No, I must thank you properly with crew jackets from my less successful films – Total Explosion, Father of the Presibot, I Shoot Your Face, I Shoot Your Face Again, Frankenberry The Movie II: Frankenberry wears Prada…
Manager: Studies show your Krusty Burger is the un-healthiest fast food item in the world.
Krusty: Worse than the Double Krusty Burger?
Manager: Somehow, yes.
Krusty: Okay, here’s what we do. What’s that food we never put in any of our meals?
Krusty: Yeah, those guys. Find the cheapest one and make a burger out of it. Then throw it in a green wrapper and double the price. …And say it’s got none of those, uh, what are those unhealthy he-she sounding things?
Manager: Uh, trans fats.
Krusty: That’s it. And while you’re in there spray a little nicotine juice on the kids meals – get ’em hooked.
Becky: You got Poison to play at our wedding!?
Lead Singer: We’re Cyanide, a loving tribute to poison.
Drummer: WE NEED A RIDE HOME!
Homer: I think the government has better things to do than to read my mail.
FBI Agent: Most people write to movie stars. This Simpson guy writes to movies; “Dear Die Hard, You rock. Especially when that guy was on the roof. PS: Do you know Mad Max?”
Kent: This is Kent Brockman with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong.
How can I prove we’re live? …Penis!
Bart: …But if you get elected you can change all that. And stop those stupid aeroplanes from flying over my house.
Krusty: Yeah, I could even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won’t let me say on the air.
Bart: Aww, all the good ones… Hmm, I’ve never even heard of number 9.
Krusty: It’s 2 on 13 while she’s elevening your 5.
Bart: Can I keep this?
Krusty: Sure no 12 off my ass.